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Joining Forces: Empowering Male Survivors to Thrive, by Howard Fradkin
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This inspirational book was written to empower male survivors of sexual victimization at any age to overcome the effects of trauma and learn to thrive. Male survivors often struggle to feel any sense of hope for the future, so Joining Forces is designed to inspire them and their allies with easily mastered skills developed over the course of psychologist Dr. Howard Fradkin’s 30-year career, and the real-life experiences of other survivors who have learned to thrive. Each chapter invites survivors to dare to dream that they can take another step in their healing process by leaving their isolation behind; challenging their dysfunctional beliefs and replacing them with healthier, functional messages; practicing healing exercises; reading about the struggles and successes of men just like them; and learning how to build hope through the use of affirmations.
This book is unique in that it is based on the experiences of over 800 participants in MaleSurvivor Weekends of Recovery. The tools taught during those workshops, plus many more developed through Dr. Fradkin’s clinical experiences, are presented so that each survivor has an opportunity to use coping skills as he faces the challenges of his recovery. Survivors and their allies will learn that they are not alone in their struggles and that others have walked in their path, become stronger, and found a sense of freedom. They’ll read about how to make healthier choices to enhance their relationships, emotional functioning, and job performance and to thrive in their lives.
- Sales Rank: #959222 in eBooks
- Published on: 2012-11-05
- Released on: 2012-11-05
- Format: Kindle eBook
Review
“As a co-founder of MaleSurvivor and the co-chair of our Weekends of Recovery program, Dr. Fradkin has helped thousands of survivors of sexual abuse put their lives back together. His skill, compassion, and generosity are evident from the very first words of this book. I am both a survivor of sexual abuse and alumnus of the MaleSurvivor Weekends of Recovery, and I can bear witness to the transformative impact of the wisdom contained within this book. Every year, millions of survivors and their loved ones find help for healing through our website and the practices Dr. Fradkin helped put into place. I highly recommend this book to every survivor of sexual abuse and those people who love, care for, or wish to help support them.”
— Christopher M. Anderson, Executive Director, MaleSurvivor (www.MaleSurvivor.org)
“Thoughtful . . . thorough . . . a must-read for men who may have had an unwanted or abusive sexual experience in childhood or adulthood and for the people who love those men. Howard Fradkin’s book will be ‘top shelf’ in our lending library.” — Steve LePore, Founder and Executive Director, 1in6 (www.1in6.org)
“For many years Dr. Howard Fradkin has inspired male survivors of sexual abuse to affirm themselves and move beyond the prisons of their childhood trauma. The Weekends of Recovery program he instituted through MaleSurvivor: The National Organization Against Male Sexual Victimization has brought together men from a wide range of backgrounds and experiences and taught them to help one another heal. Now he has written a book that will bring his wisdom to a much larger audience. Men who read it will find their inner strengths through exercises, storytelling, and a range of empowering affirmations. It will inspire survivors to heal and move on in their lives. His book is a gift to all traumatized men.”— Richard B. Gartner, Ph.D., Training and Supervising Analyst, Faculty, and Founding Director of Sexual Abuse Service and William Alanson White Institute for Psychiatry, Psychoanalysis, and Psychology, New York City; author of Beyond Betrayal: Taking Charge of Your Life after Boyhood Sexual Abuse and Betrayed as Boys: Psychodynamic Treatment of Sexually Abused Men (www.richardgartner.com)
“Howard Fradkin is a leader in recovery for male survivors, personally and professionally. From his extensive experience, he has created a recovery workbook that is a positive contribution to the growing body of literature on male sexual victimization and recovery. In an encouraging and affirming tone, Joining Forces offers specific exercises and suggestions of healing activities. Like his workshop leadership, this book will be of great benefit to many men in recovery and those who love them.”— Mike Lew, author of Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Sexual Child Abuse
“Joining Forces is a shout-out for those who identify as survivors, for men who wonder about what was done to them and have had no name for it, and for all who love and support them. Dr. Fradkin provides in his writing what he does so beautifully in his life and work: He creates a healing space for men to understand their experience and to remember who they really were from the beginning. Joining Forces not only illuminates one’s particular perceptions of what it means to be a male survivor of sexual abuse, but also provides story after inspiring story of men and their partners: their personal struggles, their inevitable challenges, and their incredible triumphs. It is a powerful template for reclaiming what is most essential to any survivor—being a strong, sensitive man who is capable of connecting with himself and others. In so doing, Joining Forces will challenge those who read it to take the risk to live more honestly, with greater freedom, integrity, and joy. It is a tremendous gift and an invaluable resource to all of us.”
— Mikele Rauch, LMFT, author of Healing the Soul after Religious Abuse: The Dark Heaven of Recovery
“The combination of Dr. Fradkin’s years of clinical experience and the personal recoveries of the men and women with whom he collaborated makes for a powerful resource. It provides male survivors and their loved ones with straightforward, practical guidance and inspires hope.
— Mic Hunter, Psy.D., licensed psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist, and author of Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse and Honor Betrayed: Sexual Abuse in America’s Military
“Howard Fradkin has written a practical and useful guide for the healing of male survivors. His compassionate work is not just another book of survivors’ stories or a technical explanation of the process of victimization, but it also incorporates exercises that survivors can use to begin the road to recovery as well as grow to become ‘thrivers.’
“As the mental-health expert on the groundbreaking Oprah Winfrey show that featured 200 male survivors, Dr. Fradkin helped explain the effects of victimization to an audience perhaps unfamiliar with this all-too-common experience that affects one in six men. In leading dozens of healing retreats for men, Dr. Fradkin has the understanding born of decades of practice. He has a clear knowledge of the dynamics and issues for survivors, and provides exercises for men to use in a clear and functional way.
“I like this book, and it is a valuable addition to the shelf of any male survivor, loved one, or professional working with this population.”
— Ken Singer, MSW, author of Evicting the Perpetrator: A Male Survivor Guide to Recovery from Childhood Sexual Abuse
“The title of Howard Fradkin’s book, Joining Forces: Empowering Male Survivors to Thrive, captures the essence of the healing process for males with a history of trauma: breaking isolation and silence, establishing connection with others, working through shame and developing personal empowerment, and resolving the past in the interest of the future. The use of survivor testimonials is highly effective. The writings of the Silence Breakers are both moving and explanatory; they articulate the struggle but also the gains made in the process of healing. Although this book was written specifically for male survivors to identify their particular issues and needs, female survivors will benefit from it as well. I highly recommend this book for all adult survivors.”
— Christine A. Courtois, Ph.D., ABPP, psychologist in private practice, Courtois & Associates, PC, Washington, D.C.; author of Healing the Incest Wound: Adult Survivors in Therapy (revised edition) and Recollections of Sexual Abuse: Treatment Principles and Guidelines; and co-editor (with Julian Ford) of Treating Complex Traumatic Stress Disorder: An Evidence-Based Guide
“By blending practical clinical experience with the voices of male survivors, Dr. Fradkin has written a supportive and inspirational book. Joining Forces is a timely, hands-on guide for men who seek to heal from sexual victimization. This book articulates and celebrates the amazing resilience of men who are successfully healing from sexual trauma.”
(― Jim Struve, LCSW, co-chair, MaleSurvivor Weekends of Recovery; co-author (with)
“In Joining Forces: Empowering Male Survivors to Thrive, Dr. Howard Fradkin has compassionately and clearly outlined how sexually abused men can move forward to heal. Filled with Dr. Fradkin’s wise and insightful guidance and personal stories from Silence Breakers, Joining Forces takes readers on a gentle and reflective journey, moving them from the trauma of their abuse to the power of thriving. This book will be a welcome relief for male survivors who are overwhelmed by their abuse and for professionals who need a clear account of the survivors’ struggles.”
(― Kenneth M. Adams, Ph.D., CSAT, author of Silently Seduced: When Parents Make T)
“Dr. Fradkin’s book is an intensely engaging and practical guide to recovery from sexual abuse and assault. But it is so much more than that. It is a heartfelt and genuinely warm invitation to join a community of human beings who are embracing both the real pain of their wounds and the real hope that comes from breaking through isolation, stepping forward on a path toward openness and connection, joining a common cause, and becoming part of a community built on connection and inspired by hope. It is a book that belongs in your backpack as you set off on your journey.”
(― David Lisak, Ph.D., Forensic Consulting, Boston, Massachusetts)
“Dr. Howard Fradkin’s book, Joining Forces, is a treasure chest overflowing with gems for adult survivors of child sexual abuse who are seeking support to begin and continue the healing process, and for those who are ready to reclaim their lives and thrive. The book, based on the powerful and effective structure of MaleSurvivor’s successful Weekends of Recovery, is actually an adventure for those who want solid and effective tools for healing—not something to fear or dread, as in facing a long-winded, painful process of recovery. Uplifting in a step-by-step way, this book is a golden toolbox of self-reflective and transformative exercises that naturally help garner positive insights and options for realistic and possible change—change that no doubt challenges the seemingly impossible effects of child sexual abuse.
“This is more than a book; it’s a journey, with a clear sense that we are not alone. Included are personal stories of alumni from the Weekends of Recovery, known in the book as the Silence Breakers. Their honest and vivid stories of personal transformation and reclaimed lives are testimony to the possibilities that open up when one does the important healing work offered in this book. Moreover, as in any hero’s journey, there’s always a guide to help them on their way. Howard Fradkin, a pioneer and leader in this field, offers his wise and safe counsel, giving thousands of survivors the keys to possibilities ahead. We get the sense that he is one step ahead of us, opening the door to each chapter, where he stands at the threshold, shepherding each reader to a room where sunlight and hope reigns, and ‘Daring to Dream’ becomes a reality step-by-step.”
(― Kathy Barbini and Simon Weinberg, founders of Big Voice Pictures and producers)
About the Author
Howard Fradkin received his Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology in 1980 from the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill, and has been licensed as a psychologist in Ohio since 1982. Dr. Fradkin co-founded Affirmations: A Center for Psychotherapy and Growth in 1984, a private multidisciplinary practice in Columbus, Ohio. Dr. Fradkin has counseled more than 1,000 male survivors as individuals, as couples, and in group psychotherapy and weekend workshops over the course of his 30-year career. He was one of the co-founders of the National Organization On Male Sexual Victimization (now known as MaleSurvivor), and has served as an Advisory Board member for MaleSurvivor since 2001.
In 2001, Dr. Fradkin became the Chairperson of the MaleSurvivor Weekends of Recovery program. In this role, he had the primary responsibility for developing and implementing the weekend experience, supervising staff, and having primary responsibility for overseeing the emotional experiences of all of the male survivors (and sometimes their partners) who participated in the weekend. In 2010, due to the success and growth of the program, it became necessary to share responsibilities for the program, and since that time, he has served as Co-Chairperson.
Dr. Fradkin has directed 39 Weekends of Recovery since 2001. His expertise was recognized by Oprah Winfrey when she invited him to be her professional guest for two shows, “200 Men” in 2010, focusing on healing for male survivors of sexual abuse. As a male survivor himself, he has learned firsthand about the struggles inherent in achieving recovery, and is able to offer significant hope and encouragement to empower men to thrive in many aspects of their lives.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Foreword
One carefully placed raindrop can overflow a dam.
It’s funny how you can think you’ve worked through something, removed yourself from a situation, and then one incident can come along and drag your senses right back into that very moment.
This happened to me on a very normal day. It was a day like any other. I was at home with the dogs, reading. The television was on some news station, but I wasn’t paying attention to it until I heard the reporter say something about several young men who had been sexually abused by someone in a church. His words became white noise to me as my senses took me back to my childhood and an awful experience of sexual abuse I endured at the hands of someone in my church. I was listening to this story in shock, but what struck me the most was that even though I was more than 30 years removed from my own abuse and abusers, this story was able to deliver me right back to that moment as I relived the horror of the violation on such a raw and guttural level. It sickened me to my stomach.
As the day went on, I tried to get the news report out of my head, but no matter what I did, I couldn’t. Later that night I was talking to my good friend Oprah. I asked her whether she had seen the story, and she said that she had. I said to her, “You know what would be amazing? If you could make this happen . . . if you could find enough men who had been molested as young boys to fill your audience and have them talk about their experiences as adult survivors. I think the world would be shocked at the long-term effects that those moments have had on us.”
She said, “I think it would be powerful and life changing for so many men, not only if I did that show, but if you would be a part of it as well.”
Now, that threw me for a loop. I thought, Why would I do that? I am not the type of man who spends time looking in the rearview mirror. I’m very much a forward thinker. I am fully invested in letting the past be the past. So what would be the point in me revisiting those awful experiences? Over the years I had become comfortable talking about it to friends and loved ones on a need-to-know basis, but I wasn’t interested in talking about it in front of millions of people on national television. So I said no. I was past it . . . or so I thought. But here comes that raindrop.
Days went by, and I tried to get the story out of my head. I tried to stop reliving my own nightmare, but the more I tried, the more I realized that I was still haunted by it. As much work as I had put into my own healing, I quickly became painfully aware that whether I wanted to look back or not, it was still looking right at me, still affecting my life in many ways. That showed me that there was still a lot of work yet to be done. I also started to wonder how many more male survivors were affected by this news story. I wondered how the victims of the story that I had just been watching were dealing with it. The next day the news ran an interview with one of the young men. He looked to be in his early 20s. I saw the familiar agony in that young man’s face, and me being much older than he was, I knew the difficult path that he had before him. So I decided to do the show.
From the moment I agreed to do the show until the day I actually did it, I had so much anxiety, so many questions. I wasn’t sure I should do it until the second it was over. I mean, the very second I had spoken my truth, it was as if I had removed a five-ton weight from my chest. I felt as if every bit of evil that these molesters had sewn into the inseam of my soul had been ripped away. I was so glad I did it. I felt so much lighter and freer. I didn’t realize how much power lay in talking about it. I didn’t know that part of lifting my own shame was in using my own voice. Out of all the years of self-work and discovery, I think that moment was the one that did the most good on my journey to healing.
When it was time to tape the “200 Men” show and I walked in and saw all these men holding up pictures of themselves at the ages at which they were sexually abused, it moved me inside of my soul. I finally knew I wasn’t alone. There was a brotherhood of survivors who had painfully and slowly triumphed. I cried a lot that day. I finally saw myself in all of these men: all races, fathers, husbands, lovers, friends, doctors, lawyers—you name it. We were all represented, and we were all an army standing strong to speak out against the silent suffering.
One of the most impressive of all the men in the room was a gentle, brilliant spirit named Dr. Howard Fradkin. His explanation and care of the journey that all of us in that room had been on was so intriguing to me. For many years I had done so much self-exploration to try to get to a place of healing, and here was this voice describing my climb out of darkness as if he was the guide who had helped me all along the way. I was hanging on his every word.
I am beyond excited that he has written this book. His kindness of heart, and his way of explaining even the most complicated long-term effects of male sexual abuse, is so revelatory and profound that not only can it inspire you to a healing, but it can also give you a clear and detailed understanding of what has been happening in your life. He is a brilliant, gifted man, and for him to author this book is a selfless act of sharing.
It is my prayer that as you read this book, Dr. Fradkin’s words will do for you what they did for me, and that it will give you the hope and the permission to allow yourself to heal fully. You deserve it. That’s what it did for me.
Acknowledging that something happened is tough; realizing that you are still being affected by it is even harder. I applaud your bravery. That is such a difficult thing for most males to do. But you have already made the first step—you have this book.
May every word in this book be marrow to your brokenness and speak comfort to your soul.
God bless,
Tyler Perry
Most helpful customer reviews
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful.
Most helpful book
By Doug
This is the most helpful book that I have found on the subject of male sexual abuse. It was well-written and easily read, but at the same time, it will stir the depths of ones heart, especially if the reader is a sex abuse victim. The book is written in a language that is easy to understand and provides helpful activities at the end of each chapter. The book was written with such compassion and desire to help all victims, especially men who were victimized as a child, teenager, or even as an adult, that it is obvious that Dr. Fradkin is writing from the heart and this is a ministry to him. Also, the chapter for love ones and support people of victims will help a victim's support team understand more about the male victim than previously known. I would say this book is a MUST READ for all male sex abuse victims and would probably be of help for female victims as well. This book gives hope for all male sex abuse victims.
1 of 1 people found the following review helpful.
Great Book From Dr. Howard Fradkin
By John Buckley
Great book for survivors and Allies-Dr. Fradkin hails from my hometown of a Columbus Ohio-the city is lucky to have his office and staff at their disposal!
1 of 1 people found the following review helpful.
A very helpful book both for victims of sexual abuse and those who love them.
By paying attention
I got this book hoping it would open up a discussion with two male family members who had been sexually abused by different men, when the family members were boys. Both men were having problems with anger that were ruining their home lives and relationships with their wives and children. We all three read the book together and discussed what the author wrote as it pertained to the two family members. Both men found it very helpful and I learned a great deal about their childhoods that helped me be more understanding when they became angry about things that I didn't think were worth getting that angry about. Both have now sought psychological help, and are working with their families toward healing and understanding. I recommend friends and family of victims as well as the victims read the book. Talking out the problems together I also found helpful.
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